Duane Elms
tune by Leslie Fish
Deep in engineering, down where mortals seldom go,
A manager and customer go looking for a show,
They pass amused among us, and they sign in on the log;
They’ve come to see our pony and they’ve come to see our dog.
Three things you should be wary of: a new kid in his prime,
A man with all the answers, and the code that runs first time.
Summoned from our cubicles, to conference-room we go,
We bring our dog and pony, ’cause we know they want a show,
Watching as we enter, with a shifting, restless eye,
The customer sits waiting in his pinstripe suit and tie.
Three things never trust in: the vendor’s final bill,
The promises your boss makes, and the customer’s good will.
The pony kicks his heels up as the doggy does his trick,
And hands are waved in vigor as we lay it on real thick,
The customer just watches as we do this song and dance,
Then reaches for his briefcase, scarcely giving us a glance.
Three things see no end: a loop with exit code done wrong,
A semaphore untested, and the change that comes along.
From briefcase there then comes a list of things we must revise,
And all but four within the room are taken by surprise,
And all but four are thinking of their last job with remorse:
The customer, the manager, the doggy and the horse.
Three things hold no secret: files that somehow hit the Net,
Your boss’s secretary, and the third thing I forget.
First thirty-seven changes that somehow we must add in,
Then twenty-one new features show up, much to our chagrin,
And this thing is inadequate, and that one’s just plain wrong,
And, by the way, your schedule is about three months too long.
Three things it is better far that only you should know:
How much you’re paid, the schedule pad, and what is just for show.
The customer proceeds to go through each change, line by line,
Excruciating detail that no logic can divine,
And when it ends, there’s only four not sitting there agog:
The manager, the customer, the pony and the dog.
Three things never anger: first, the one who runs your deck,
The one who does your backup, and the one who signs your check.
Now we are contract software types, who spend our days and nights,
Embedded in the system, down there with the bits and bytes,
And none of us can tell full well the damage done today,
It’s what they do not know for which they’re gonna have to pay.
Three things are most perilous: connectors that corrode,
Unproven algorithms, and self-modifying code.
The manager and customer are quick to leave this bunch,
They take the dog and pony, and they all go out to lunch.
And how will we revenge ourselves on those who raise our ire?
Write code that self-destructs the day the warranties expire!
Three things trust above all else: your knowledge of your craft,
That someone makes a profit, and that you will get the shaft.