How can you do it? It’s heartless, it’s cruel.
It’s murder, cold-blooded, it’s gross.
To slay a poor vegetable just for your stew
Or to serve with some cheese sauce on toast.
Have you no decency? Have you no shame?
Have you no conscience, you cad,
To rip that poor vegetable out of the earth
Away from its poor mom and dad?
CHORUS:
Oh, no, don’t slay that potato!
Let us be merciful, please.
Don’t boil it or fry it, don’t even freeze-dry it.
Don’t slice it or flake it.
For God’s sake, don’t bake it!
Don’t shed the poor blood
Of this poor helpless spud.
That’s the worst kind of thing you could do.
Oh, no, don’t slay that potato
What never done nothing to you!
Why not try picking on something your size
Instead of some carrot or bean?
The peas are all trembling there in their pod
Just because you’re so vicious and mean.
How would you like to be grabbed by your hair
And ruthlessly yanked from your bed
And have done to you God knows what horrible things,
To be eaten with full-fiber bread?
