There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes
To the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-
Mole 17 hours a day

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what
Those idiots at work say

The look on your face will be priceless when you find
That 40-pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a
Hickey to Meryl Streep

You will never find true happiness - what you gonna
Do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch
Of stuff and then go back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today

Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your
Explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble your fiance
Hurls a javelin through your chest

The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the
Rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while
Taking your driver's test

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and
Staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it
Down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent -

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