Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the
Stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the
Street from Jerry’s Bait Shop… You know the place… Well anyway,
Back then life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy…
Except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning my
Mother would make me a big ol’ bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast.
Dawww!! Big bowl of sauerkraut!
Every single mornin’! It was driving me crazy.
I said to my mom, I said, «Hey, mom, what’s up with all the sauerkraut?»
And my dear, sweet mother, she just looked at me like a cow looks at an
Oncoming train. And she leaned right down next to me, and she said, «IT’S
GOOD FOR YOU!» And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my
Mouth and force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was 26 and a half
Years old.
That’s when I swore that someday, someday I would get outta that
Basement and travel to a magical, far away place, where the sun is
Always shining and the air smells like warm root beer, and the towels
Are oh so fluffy! Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles
All day long, and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for
A nickel!
Wacka wacka, doo doo, yeah!
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn’t long at all before my dream
Came true. Because the very next day, a local radio station had this
Contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in
Leonard Nimoy’s butt. I was off by three, but I still won the grand
Prize. That’s right, a first class, one-way ticket…
To Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!