ACTION (spoken)
To them we ain’t even human. We’re cruddy juvenile delinquents.
So that’s what we give ’em
SNOWBOY (imitating Krupke)
Hey, you!
ACTION
Me, Officer Krupke?
SNOWBOY
Yeah you! Gimme one good reason for not dragging you down to the
station house, ya punk.
ACTION (sung)
Dear kindly Sergeant Krupke
You gotta understand
It’s just our bringin’ upke
That gets us out of hand
Our mothers all are junkies
Our fathers all are drunks
Golly Moses!
Natcherly we’re punks!
ALL
Gee, Officer Krupke, we’re very upset
We never had the love that every child oughtta get
We ain’t no delinquents, we’re misunderstood
Deep down inside us there is good!
ACTION
There is good!
ALL
There is good, there is good
There is untapped good
Like inside, the worst of us is good!
SNOWBOY (spoken)
That’s a touchin’ good story
ACTION
Lemme tell it to the world!
SNOWBOY
Just tell it to the judge!
ACTION (sung)
Dear kindly Judge, your Honour
My parents treat me rough
With all their marijuana
They won’t give me a puff
They didn’t want to have me
But somehow I was had
Leapin’ lizards!
That’s why I’m so bad!
DIESEL (imitating a judge)
Right!
Officer Krupke, you’re really a square
This boy don’t need a judge, he needs an analyst’s care
It’s just his neurosis that oughta be curbed
He’s psychologically disturbed!
ACTION
I’m disturbed!
ALL
We’re disturbed, we’re disturbed
We’re the most disturbed
Like we’re psychologically disturbed!
DIESEL (spoken)
Hear ye, hear ye! In the opinion of this court, this child is depraved
on account he ain’t had a normal home.
ACTION
Hey, I’m depraved on account I’m deprived!
DIESEL
So take him to a headshrinker!
ACTION (sung)
My father is a bastard
My ma’s an S.O.B.
My grandpa’s always plastered
My grandma pushes tea
My sister wears a mustache
My brother wears a dress
Goodness gracious!
That’s why I’m a mess!
A-RAB (imitating a psychiatrist)
Yes!
Officer Krupke, you’re really a slob
This boy don’t need a doctor, just a good honest job
Society’s played him a terrible trick
And sociologically he’s sick!
ACTION
I am sick!
ALL
We are sick, we are sick
We are sick, sick, sick
Like we’re sociologically sick!
A-RAB (spoken)
In my opinion, this child does not need to have his head shrunk at
all. Juvenile delinquency is purely a social disease
ACTION
Hey, I got a social disease!
A-RAB
So take him to a social worker!
ACTION (sung)
Dear kindly social worker
They say go earn a buck
Like be a soda jerker
Which means like be a schmuck
It’s not I’m anti-social
I’m only anti-work
Glory osky!
That’s why I’m a jerk!
BABY JOHN (imitating female social worker)
Eek!
Officer Krupke, you’ve done it again!
This boy don’t need a job, he needs a year in the pen
It ain’t just a question of misunderstood
Deep down inside him, he’s no good!
ACTION
I’m no good!
ALL
We’re no good, we’re no good
We’re no earthy good
Like the best of us is no damn good!
DIESEL
The trouble is he’s lazy!
A-RAB
The trouble is he drinks!
BABY JOHN
The trouble is he’s crazy!
DIESEL
The trouble is he stinks!
A-RAB
The trouble is he’s growing!
BABY JOHN
The trouble is he’s grown!
ALL
Krupke, we got troubles of our own!
Gee, Officer Krupke
We’re down on our knees
‘Cause no one wants a fella with a social disease
Gee, Officer Krupke
What are we to do?
Gee, Officer Krupke —
Krup you!