(Familar Star Trek theme music begins)
SPACE — The Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship
*BOOBYPRIZE*. Its five year mission — to sell T-shirts, toy phasers,
Plastic communicators, and anything else we can think of. To seek
Out new life in old plots and complications. To boldly go where
EVERYONE HAS GONE BEFORE!
(Music Surge)
S T A R D R E K !
JERK: Captain’s log, stardate 6935.2. We are in orbit around planet
Shwartz.
SNOTT: Engineering to Captain Jerk! Engineering to Captain Jerk!!
JERK: Jerk here, what is it Snotty?
SNOTT: Captain, the warp drive mechanisms are generating excess
Antimatter. The pods are overloadin now, if it continues at this rate,
I canna be responsible for the safety of the ship!
JERK: Don’t have a spaz, Snotty.
SNOTT: Ach, but the whole ship’s gonna blow itself to pieces, Jim!
JERK: I WANT ANSWERS MISTER!
SNOTT: Well, I tried shovin a weiner in the warp drive, but it dinna
Do a bit of good. By the by, would ya have a wee bit of mustard up on
The bridge?
JERK: Mr. Schlock?
SCHLOCK: No mustard, Captain.
JERK: Analysis, Schlock?
SCHLOCK: It would appear that Lieutenant Snott is about to eat a weiner
Without mustard.
JERK: As always, your logic is impeccable, Mr. Schlock. However, I *was*
Referring to the emergency in the ship’s warp drive.
SCHLOCK: I would say that the program is at too early a stage to permit
Solving any serious difficulties, Jim.
JERK: Recommendation?
SCHLOCK: Suggest you wait for further plot complication before undertaking
Corrective measures.
JERK: Logical, Mr. Schlock. Perfectly logical. Dr. McCoy?
McCOY: I’M A DOCTOR, NOT A SCRIPTWRITER!
COMPUTER: WARNING! This is a plot complication!
WARNING! This is a plot complication!
WARNING! This is a plot complication!
SCHLOCK: Plot complication showing up on ship’s sensors now, Captain.
I am switching to visual…
JERK: What is it, Mr. Schlock?
SCHLOCK: Computer data coming in now, Captain. It’s just what we need —
A colossal negative space wedgie of great power coming right at us at
Warp speed.
JERK: Uh, Mr. Lulu, commence evasive action!
LULU: Yaas, Ceptain Jehrk.
SCHLOCK: Evasive action ineffective, Captain. The wedgie is turning
With us and closing rapidly. Estimated time of impact approximately
16.9 seconds. 15…
JERK: Bridge to Engineering!
SCHLOCK: 14… 13…
SNOTT: Snott here, Captain.
SCHLOCK: 12… 11…
JERK: What’s not there, Snotty?
SCHLOCK: 10… 9…
SNOTT: I said, SNOTT HERE, CAPTAIN!
SCHLOCK: 8… 7…
JERK: Snotty, give me full power! Get us out of here fast!
SCHLOCK: 6… 5…
SNOTT: Ach, I canna do it. The toilets have backed up into the warp drive!
It will take time to make repairs!
SCHLOCK: 4… 3…
JERK: Time? Mr. Schlock?
SCHLOCK: 2… 1… WIPEOUT!
* C R A S H * * B O O M * * S P L A T *
SCHLOCK: Readings are off the scale, Captain! I have not encountered
This phenomenon before.
JERK: Damage report! Lieutenant Manura?
MANURA: We’re holding out here; we really took a schelackin’ out there!
SCHLOCK: Fascinating.
JERK: What is it, Mr. Schlock?
SCHLOCK: The force seems to have passed though us, and entered the surface
Of the planet Shwartz. Yet, tricorder readings fail to indicate any such
Energy from the planet.
JERK: Opinion, Mr. Schlock?
SCHLOCK: Insufficient data, Captain.
JERK: Into the elevator, Mr. Schlock! Let’s beam down to the planet’s
Surface so I can find an alien to fall in love with before the program is
Over!
SCHLOCK: You usually do.
JERK: Ain’t I somethin’! Uh, Mr. Lulu, you’ve got the conn.
LULU: Thehnk yeew, Ceptain Jherk!
(PFFFT! The door opens…)
JERK: Elevator, transporter room.
ELEVATOR: I’m fine, how are you?
JERK: ELEVATOR, I SAID TRANSPORTER ROOM!
ELEVATOR: I’m fine, how are you?
JERK: Oh, forget it! Elevator to Engineering! Beam us down from here,
Snotty!
SNOTT: Ay ay, Captain! You are locked on coordinance now.
JERK: Energize, Mr. Snott.
(Standard transporter noises, fade to city traffic noises in background)
SCHLOCK: Remarkable! There is no record of any such civilization as this
On the planet Shwartz.
JERK: Look, Schlock! Here comes a car… feast your Vulcan squinties on
That driver!
(Car screaches to a stop)
SCHLOCK: Far out, Captain Jerk.
GIRL: Want a lift, sailor?
JERK: As a matter of fact, I do. I’ll say ‘goodbye’ here, Mr. Schlock.
Now you will have what you always wanted — command of the BOOBYPRIZE!
SCHLOCK: And you will have what you always wanted…
JERK: What’s that, Mr. Schlock?
SCHLOCK: A bleached blond in red convertable on planet Shwartz.
JERK: Ain’t I somethin’! Well, say ‘bye-bye’ to Starfleet command for me,
And I will see you on ‘Hollywood Squares’!
SCHLOCK: Bye-bye, Jim.
(Sound of car driving off)
SCHLOCK: I thought he would never go.
(Sound of communicator opening)
SCHLOCK: Schlock to BOOBYPRIZE!
SNOTT: Snott here, Mr. Schlock.
SCHLOCK: What’s not there, Lieutenant Snott?
SNOTT: I said, SNOTT HERE, MISTER SCHLOCK!
SCHLOCK: That’s CAPTAIN Schlock.
SNOTT: Ay?
SCHLOCK: Make it ONE to beam up!
(Music surge)
The End.
