I am the very model of a modern major general
I’ve information vegetable, animal, or mineral
I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical
>From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical
I’m very well acquainted too with matters mathematical
I understand equations both the simple and quadratical
About binomial theorem I am teeming with a lot of news
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse
I’m very good at integral and differential calculus,
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous,
In short on matters vegetable, animal, or mineral,
I am the very model of a modern major general
I know our mythic history King Arthur and Sir Carodocks
I answer hard acrostics, I’ve a pretty taste for paradox
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabolus
In conics I floor peculiarities parabolous
I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerald Dows and Zophanies
I know the croaking chorus from «The Frogs» of Aristophanies
Then I can hum a fugue of which I’ve heard the music’s din afore
And whistle every air of the infernal nonsense «Pinafore»
Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonian cuneiform
And tell you every detail of Caractacus’s uniform
In short in matters vegetable, animal, or mineral,
I am the very model of a modern major general
In short, when I know what is meant by «mavelon» and «ravelin»
When I can tell at sight a mauser rifle from a javelin
When such affairs as sorties and surprises I’m more wary at
And when I know precisely what is mean by «commissariat»
When I know what advances have been made in modern gunnery
When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery
In short, when I’ve a smattering of elemental strategy
You’ll say a major general has never sat a gee.
For my military knowledge, though I’m plucky and adventury,
Has only been brought up to the beginning of the century,
But still in matters vegetable, animal, or mineral,
I am the very model of a modern major general!