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By: Steve Goodman 
1975 
Uh this hotel room's gotta lotta stuff 
Laundry bag and a shoe shine cloth 
Thirty two hangers and a touch tone phone 
Well a light that comes on when I ain't home 

I ain't home 
I ain't home 
You better leave a message 'cause 
I ain't home 

They got an air conditioner for when I'm hot 
A radiator for when I'm not 
Two big chairs sittin' side by side 
With a holy bible and the TV Guide 

TV Guide 
The TV Guide 
Great God Almighty 
It's the TV Guide 

I gotta second story view from curb to curb 
I gotta sign that reads "Do Not Disturb" 
A monogrammed towel and a bucket of ice 
A chest of drawers and a mirror that lies 

Mirror that lies 
A mirror that lies 
That couldn't be me 
In the gorilla disguise 

They got a room service menu for food and drink 
A porcelain throne and an aluminum sink 
Two big pillows to rest my head 
A Magic Fingers and a king-size bed 

Put in a quarter 
Turn out the light 
Magic Fingers makes ya feel alright 

Uh feel alright 
Feel alright 
Magic Fingers makes you feel alright 

Uh this ol' hotel's all right with me 
They pay the postage if you lose the key 
This hotel room's gotta lot of stuff 
But I do believe I've had enough 

Called my baby said don't you pout 
I'm packin' my bags and I'm checkin' out 
Just as soon as you hang up the telephone 
Stick a candle in the window I'm comin' home 

Comin' home 
Uh comin' home 
Stick a candle in the window 
I'm comin' home 

Whoa comin' home 
Comin' home 
Stick a candle in the window 
I'm comin' home 

-- Spoken: "Thank you boys"

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